Health, Life, Mental Health, New beginnings, The Neurotic Life, Work

Is this thing still on?

It’s been a while. So many things have happened. Some really great and fun things, but to get there we need to first start at where I left off. My last post was April 2018, and that month was a most important and life changing month.

I went to therapy.

I wasn’t in a good place and hadn’t been for a while. Shit was bleak but I couldn’t pinpoint why, and I of course berated myself daily for feeling that way because #firstworldproblems. I had a good job where I was well liked and valued, a loving and supportive husband, good friends, traveled the world etc..so why was I feeling like there was no point to any of it? I didn’t know and for months I just tried to push through it but by April I couldn’t do it anymore. On our way home from Vegas about a year prior I had a massive panic attack. It came out of nowhere for seemingly no reason. I honestly thought I was going to be that person that made the plane make an emergency landing. Unfortunately it wasn’t an isolated incident; they kept coming and didn’t stop. I knew something needed to change but I had no idea what that looked like or where to start. So I went to a therapist. Best decision I’ve ever made. I was able to just tell him all the nonsensical (to me) things going through my head and he was able to guide me to the root problem and an eventual solution.

Root Problem: (In it’s most simplistic form) Existential Crisis. I was freaking bored.

Solution: Do something exciting that will challenge me mentally. (Law School)

Now I didn’t pull an Elle Woods and just woke up one morning and thought, I’ll go to law school today.  Law school had been a dream of mine since high school really. I majored in Political Science with the intention of going to law school after graduating. By sophomore year though I had convinced myself that I couldn’t do it, I wasn’t smart enough to even get into law school let alone finish and pass the bar. That was the narrative I carried around for over a decade, I never pushed myself to be more or do more because I genuinely didn’t think I was capable. Now here I was having a breakdown because all my responsibilities at work bored me. I was not challenged enough, while I was good at my job it had become routine same thing year after year. So my therapist in that therapist-y way made me do some serious introspection and I landed on law school. And for the first time in a very long time, I believed it was a viable option. My husband was ecstatic when I told him my plan, as he’d been pushing me for years to go back to school, believing that I was capable of more. When I told my therapist my plan, he too was excited and I felt like I passed therapy. (#typeA) With that, I hit up Barnes & Noble and bought my first LSAT books.

We covered a lot of ground there. If you read through that you’re a champ. I’ll be back with part 2 soon which includes a trip to Norway so it won’t be more sad stuff.

~Marisa

 

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